Thoughts of the Thankful

So many of my friends use their blogs as a place for family updates and their own personal musings. So far, I have only used mine for family updates...kid updates really, but now I think I am going to use it for myself also. As you all know I had my right kidney removed January 25th. Since then we found out that the tumor on/in my kidney was cancerous. It is a funny thing, that word...cancer. It is a word that strikes so much fear into the heart of men (and women) and yet, I was not afraid. I have shared the following with many of my family/friends, but I feel the need to share it with my blog readers now. I knew I had cancer. I am not saying this because I found out in July that I had a mass on my kidney, I am saying it because I knew for a long time, years even, that I would one day find out there was cancer in my body. How did I know this, don't ask me. It was just a feeling. Each time I would get "the feeling" I would coincidentally have to have some sort of bloodwork done, be it for a physical or during my pregnancy, and nothing would show up. When nothing showed up I still had "the feeling" but I'd put it aside because I just figured it would show up in bloodwork. When nothing abnormal ever showed up I just figured I was being a pessimist and put the thought out of my mind for a time. Then one day, after I had had Seth I began to have a pain in my right side. After talking to my family about it we decided it must be gall stones because we have a history of gall bladder problems in my family. I mentioned the pain to my doctor in December 2006 and then never had the scan done. Then, I found out I was pregnant with Hannah and since I was still having the pain I mentioned it to my OB. I went to have the scan done and that is when I found out about the mass. When I mentioned the pain to both of my Urologists they said that I should be having no pain in my kidney, that the mass was not big enough, didn't appear to be odstructing anything. They told me flat out that they could not explain my pain. After the exams and discussions about surgery the pain went away, until I had doubts about having surgery. As soon as I'd have doubts about having the surgery I'd have the pain again and as the surgery date got closer and my doubts grew stronger, so did the pain. Finally, I told myself that I had to have the surgery because I have a family that needs me and if the mass turned out to be cancer I needed to get it out of my body. So, when my test results came back a few days after surgery I was not at all shocked that it was cancer. Thankfully, I also found out that the cancer was not an aggressive form of cancer and it was a low grade cancer...both extremely great things to hear. It meant that with the kidney and tumor removed, my chances of it recurring or spreading are slim to nil. There will be no follow-up therapy, only follow-up CT Scans for the next several years to confirm that the cancer has not come back. So, why was I not afraid? I was not afraid because I knew that I and my health are in God's hands and I knew that He would keep my safe and healthy. For so long now I have been hiding my faith. No, not from a lot of people...close friends, family, fellow believers, but I have been hiding it from the world. I don't want to do this anymore. I am not going to do it anymore. Does it mean that I am going to shove my faith down your throat, absolutely not. That is not what I am called to do. I will be open about my faith from now on, that is all. I have so many friends who are very open about their faith and I admire them so much for that. They are not afraid to wear their faith on their sleeve for all the world to see and I have resolved to be like them every day of my life from here forward. I want to share my faith in Christ with others because it is only through Christ that I came through my diagnosis and surgery virtually unscathed. Sure, I have scars on my belly now, but what are a few scars in return for good health? I thank God every day for the blesings He has given me, my husband, my children, my family and my enornous group of friends. I pray that God would grant you all the desires of your hearts, if those desires be His will, for it is His will, not ours that will be done in our lives. We could ask ourselves why seemingly awful things happen to good people. Why would a family lose their father? Why do parents and children disagree and lose touch with one another? Why would a beautiful young woman be diagnosed with a dibilitating disease like RA? Why would another young woman be diagnosed with kidney cancer, something predominantly found only in men in their late 40s to early 50s? Why is it that so many people are seeing hard times right now, be it at home or at work? We can ask all of these questions and then some and feel like we have never received an answer. I think we are given the answer every day , we just need to seek it out. I think the only answer to all of these questions that makes sense is the God wants all of us to have a closer relationship with Him and through all of these adversities, yearns for us to cling to Him. That is what I did. I clung to my Saviour in my most trying time. I still cling to Him. I am amazed by the faith that several of my friends have shown over the past several years. It is through their faith that I have begun to strengthen my own. I have been following several of my friends blogs and through their blogs and through personal conversation with them I have found great faith in them. A faith that I strive for and yearn to have. I feel like I have great faith, but when it comes to expressing my faith I clam up. I wish I could speak as eloquently about my faith as they do, but for now I will just leave it as I have said it so far. I guess what I am trying to say is that I am thankful to have all of you who love and care about me and my family. Thank you for your support. And to those of you whose situations I mentioned...without naming names, thank you for being amazing examples of great faith to me.